The main problem with this is that your character acts and thinks like a twelve year old, not a professional detective. Why doesn’t she phone the station and say someone’s pretending to be them? Why doesn’t she check to see where the "prank" phonecall comes from? Why doesn’t she check her phone to see what number is programmed in for "Mililani, Paul"? It really shouldn’t be because she’s so terrified by a phonecall. She’s an adult and a cop. She’ll deal with abusive, unpleasant, scary people on a daily basis. She’ll be trained not to scream and freeze and croak in response to someone trying to intimidate her on the phone.

"Liz was an old soul. She did things how she wanted, and when she wanted. That was her main policy, in work and when she was at home."

That’s just implausible. Let me guess – you believe you are an old soul and this is how you’d like to be? But your character is a detective, she’s not you. She’d have been fired a month after she started if she behaved like this. Procedure is _everything_ in her job – if you do your own thing any evidence you may have gathered is useless. Her main policy would _have_ to be to do things by the book, even if she bends the rules occasionally.

You need to try to get into the head of a 24 year old pro here – and it isn’t easy. But you either need to get beyond how you’d react and what you’d do, or you need a main character who is much closer to your own age and life experience.

Now let me say again that I’ve nitpicked this at an adult level. At a twelve year old level? It’s excellent. But you need to take the next step to be a good writer rather than just a good twelve year old writer.
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You should seriously think of publishing. Here’s a great article on it if you’re serious.

http://bookpublishing.suite101.com/article.cfm/becoming_a_published_author
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answer mine please?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuRSlmIQIKz6nD521m8U.K2IxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090503220712AAdlkLp
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In your first little bit, you could maybe try replacing "Liz" with "she" a couple of times – a rule of thumb, try not to start sentences that are next to each other in the same way.
If you want it to be a short story, this is a brilliant start; if you want to make it a novel, maybe spread it out a little more. Let the reader get to know your character a bit better before going in with all guns blazing.

But other than that… wow! You grab the reader by the gizzard and really pull them along behind you, it’s brilliant! Keep at it, and I so want a copy once you’re finished!

Can anyone help me with my question? I’ve almost finished my novel, but I’m stuck at the most important bit – the climax. If you feel up to the challenge, please have a go at answering: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmgSO3gzuaO.ZdFDaOM5WWUazKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20090429144203AA0SvZW
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